Why is My Husband So Nice to Everyone But Me?
When your husband is a charming individual to everyone else, you may wonder “Why does he treat me like this?”
Over the years, many clients have expressed an array of difficult emotions as they’ve processed the reality their abuser CAN be a kind, loving individual - but they choose not to be kind and loving toward their partner.
Instead, the victim receives the cold, cruel, harsh, and abusive “side” of their partner.
Why Does He Do That?!
When asked “why?!” abusers will blame the victim.
“I’m nice to everyone else because THEY respect me.”
“I treat you this way because you push me to my limits.”
“I act like this with you because I love you so much that you bring out my intense emotions.”
“You’re the only person who sees this side of me because we’re so close… who else would I be able to be my real self around?”
Framing abusive behavior as “intimacy” or “authenticity” is a clever and twisted way to gaslight victims into seeing love as abuse.
My suggestion is that survivors become literate in abuse and trauma education. Learn more about abusive and entitled thinking, so that the abuser’s gaslighting isn’t as effective.
Great resources include:
“The Verbally Abusive Relationship” by Patricia Evans
“Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft
“Real Rape, Real Pain” by Patricia Easteal