How Can I Feel Confident After Emotional Abuse?
When you’ve experienced emotional abuse, your confidence takes a monumental hit. Learn how to recover your confidence and discover your true self again.
Many years ago, I spoke with a friend who had just left an abusive relationship.
She shared that she was driving across the country to visit a friend. I couldn’t have been more proud of her. For years, her abusive husband had drilled into her mind that she was a poor driver (which was NOT the case) and she would shake and tense up behind the wheel.
To hear that she was taking a long road trip was empowering to me - I reevaluated my own life and wondered if there were areas that I was not standing my power.
Abusers Condition Victims to Feel Small & Powerless
Whether it’s critiquing your driving, your physical appearance, ability to handle money, or how well you care for yourself, children, or home, abusers will do everything they can to make you think you are small and powerless.
Consistent, overt and covert attacks condition victims to internalize these criticisms and subtly begin to believe them.
Will I Ever Feel Confident Again?
Often, clients express that they were a completely different person before the abuse. Confident, talkative, funny, “loud”...
But they feel that the effects of the abuse dimmed their ability to be their full selves.
To regain your confidence after the insidious onslaught of emotional abuse, it’s essential for victims to intentionally choose to:
Silence the inner critic. Pete Walker talks about this extensively in his book Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. I highly recommend this book. Our inner critic often becomes so loud that reality is silenced. By quieting that inner critic, we allow reality to come to the surface. And reality is generally much kinder than the abuser’s voice (which aligns with the voice of our inner critic).
Douse yourself with compassion. The antidote to emotional abuse is immense, ongoing, and unquestioning self-compassion. Because emotional abuse diminishes our ability to see ourselves as whole people, with the same rights as everyone else, it is essential that we offer ourselves extra compassion as we navigate our healing process.
Seek support. I know that a strong support system is a privilege that not everyone has easy access to. Creating a support system requires work - and you may not feel up to it yet. The fear of rejection and betrayal can often be very real barriers to victims. Online support communities are an excellent first step.