Why Don’t Abuse Victims “Just Leave”?

Many victims of abuse don’t realize they’re being abused, or aren’t allowed to grasp the severity of their situation. So why would they leave?

Abusers are really, really good at conditioning victims to minimize domestic violence.

“Are you kidding me? You literally think I’m abusing you?”

How Do Abusers Control Victims’ Reality?

From blame-shifting:

I only did this because you were going crazy!

To all-out denial (gaslighting):

That never happened. You need to get help - you’re mentally unstable, just like your mom.

To societal justification:

You’re lucky to have a partner like me. Do you have any idea what [other relationships] are like?! This is normal and YOU’RE the one who’s [expecting too much, seeing things that aren’t there, calling out abuse when you should be showing compassion, etc.]

To turning-tables:

Abusive? You want to talk about abuse? Who’s the one making the money while you’re the one getting your nails done for hundreds of dollars each month?! Isn’t that financial abuse?!

To overt mind-control tactics (overt gaslighting):

Abuse would be me hitting you. I’ve never hit you. I love you. You need someone to show you how to do things right… you never had that growing up. Let’s figure out why you’re so obsessed with calling me an abuser.

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Why Don’t Victims Leave? Because Leaving Isn’t An Option When Abusers Are in Control

Abusers will try just about every tactic (the tactics above AND MORE) to keep victims from properly identifying and then creating a safe distance from abuse.

When you can’t establish and then stay in reality, it’s very easy for the person in power to discredit your understanding of what’s happening - and then keep you stuck in a cycle where leaving isn’t even on the table.

Please don’t blame yourself if you’ve experienced this. But take hope in knowing that reading this blog post right now means that you’re coming out of the fog of abuse and beginning to get a firmer grasp on truth. 

My free support group is a safe space for you to speak about your experiences without judgment. Please join us today. ❤️