There is No Place in a Healthy Relationship for Overprotection

Where there is trust and transparency, there is no need to be hypervigilant over the other person’s whereabouts, who they spend time with or the activities they participate in.

If your partner has close eyes on you: checking your phone, your location, monitoring your conversations, demanding of your time … this is emotional abuse.

What Feels Like Positive Attention and Caring in the Beginning May Actually Be Controlling Jealousy

I share this with permission:

Early in our relationship, long before marriage, I had a couple of days of just not feeling well. I was sick and exhausted enough to just want to stay in bed and let time pass. I missed class that first day of not feeling well, and my roommates came home to tell me that Jack was in the lounge waiting to see me. I refused, and curled back up under my covers to rest. Minutes later, my roommates were back in my room telling me that Jack said he wasn’t leaving until I came down to see him.  “He’s worried about you and just wants to make sure you’re ok. He even brought you flowers, but wants to give them to you himself.” With much effort, I threw on some clothes and headed down to see Jack. 

Years later, I was in our children’s room reading them a bedtime story. Admittedly, I picked long stories so I could spend more time with the kids and so I could just relax a bit myself. Several minutes into my reading, Jack stormed in. “You coddle the kids. You’re going to make them grow up to be ninnies. Ten minutes to tuck them in is plenty. I’m at work all day … you belong upstairs with me during our limited time available.” 

Through the years, each time we’d have a conversation about his controlling my time, especially with the children, he would tell me how much he was protective of me, how he didn’t want the kids taking advantage of my good nature, how he loved me so much he just wanted to be with me every opportunity.

Overprotection is NOT Love

Can you relate to my client’s experience? There was nothing loving or unselfish about Jack’s behavior toward her. It was selfish and controlling, veiled as protective and caring. Overprotection is not love.