Stonewalling: A Cruel Form of Emotional & Psychological Abuse

Stonewalling creates feelings of worthlessness, nothingness, frustration, anger, and incredible self-doubt.

Dr. John Gottman, relationship expert, said that stonewalling is “one of the most destructive habits we can do in our relationship.” When the abusive partner withdraws to the point of causing their victim to feel invisible, they gain control over the situation and can even sometimes control the responses of the victim. This power-surge in the perpetrator is nearly tangible.

The Difference Between Stonewalling and Emotionally Disengaging

Intent matters. If you disconnect or disengage from a person to protect your emotional well-being, you are not being abusive. If you pull-away as a means to control the other person or have power in the situation, you are taking an abusive action. 

It can get confusing, especially if you tell your partner that it hurts you when they ignore you - then they accuse you of doing the same thing, this flipping of the truth can effectively dysregulate you. Therefore, it’s vital to understand that intent matters. Taking a protective action is boundarying. Taking an action to control is abusive.

Getting to Safety Means Detaching from the Abuser’s Stonewalling

When you’ve been stonewalled, walk away and take care of yourself. Recognize what the abuser is doing and the effect it is having on you. Take some deep breaths and remind yourself that you matter. 

You might consider journaling, talking to a close friend, even writing a letter to the abuser (but don’t give it to them) describing how their behavior impacted you. Practice self-empathy, self-understanding, and self-recognition. When you’ve been stonewalled, it’s vital to come home to yourself.

I’m here for you.

xo, Denalee