When It’s Too Toxic to Stay, But Not Bad Enough to Leave Your Abusive Marriage
Emotionally abusive marriages can cause intense indecision, anxiety, and self-loathing as you try to determine whether you should stay or go. Let’s discuss.
How Often Have You Thought “If Only They Would ____”
My clients experiencing abuse that doesn’t show physical marks:
Emotional abuse
Psychological abuse, including gaslighting and chronic manipulation
Financial control
Verbal violence
Threats & intimidation
Stalking
Sexual coercion and control
Often express variations of the sentiment,
“I can’t leave, because I don’t have enough justification. Family, friends, clergy, and my children wouldn’t understand, and would blame me for ruining our family. If only my abusive partner would punch me or hurt me in some other way, then I would have the kind of justification necessary to leave.”
Non-Visible Abuse is Intolerable - But Society Doesn’t See It
In other words, the covert abuse is making life completely intolerable. But because society generally doesn’t recognize the impact of non-physical forms of abuse, many folks don’t feel that they would have the support they would need in order to take steps to leave the relationship and establish security away from the abuse.
This is ME - Where Do I Go From Here?
If you can relate to this post, I want you to know that you’re not alone.
Part of the reason that covert forms of abuse are so insidious, is that a huge piece of the abuse is invalidating the victim-survivor’s experience.
For example, if you were to take your pain to the abuser, in an attempt to ask them to stop humiliating you, for example, the conversation might go like this:
Victim-Survivor: “I’m just trying to tell you that when you talk to me like that, I feel really bad about myself.”
Abuser: “So you are making ME responsible for YOUR feelings.”
Victim-Survivor: “Lots of people - experts - on the internet - in books - they say that our feelings are our responsibilities but when it comes to abuse -”
Abuser: “ABUSE? Are you kidding me? Are you serious right now?”
Victim-Survivor: “Talking to me the way that you do, that’s abuse.”
Abuser: “Can you hear yourself? Do you know what abuse IS? Go tell all this to someone in the hospital whose husband actually abuses her… go tell this to someone who has a gun to their head. You’re LUCKY to be in this marriage. This is insane. You’re insane.”
In order to climb out of the pit of covert abuse, and the cycle that it perpetuates, it’s important to surround yourself with folks who understand the impact of covert abuse. Online communities are a great place to start. Books, podcasts, and forums can help you stay in your truth.
Remember, the abuser will do all they can to discredit professionals and discredit your lived experience.