The Role of Grief in Betrayal Trauma

Does Grieving Help?

“My husband cheated on me, and I feel like I’m mourning the death of a loved one. Is this normal?”

In the last several years, I’ve been struck time and time again as grief presents itself as a valid, important, and painful emotion for folks experiencing intimate betrayal, and the resulting trauma. 

I Feel Grief, But What Exactly Am I Grieving?

Every individual’s experience is different, but many of my clients have expressed that they are grieving:

• The life they thought they had

• The person they thought their spouse was

• The dreams they hoped to fulfill with their spouse

• The memories that they thought were genuine and sincere, but were actually cloaked in secrecy and betrayal

• The years they could have spent doing something other than investing time in the unfaithful partner

And this isn’t a comprehensive list - any time we’re accepting a full reality - with both it’s beautiful and deeply troubling aspects, we are likely to experience grief.

How Can I Process Grief as I Work Through Betrayal Trauma?

Grief can be an uncomfortable emotion to “sit” in. Most of us want to move past it as quickly as possible. And when there isn’t a literal death to mourn, but rather the death of a relationship, an idea, or a dream, it can be even more uncomfortable to get curious and comfortable about an emotion that is generally deeply painful. 

The first step to processing grief as you work through your betrayal trauma is to simply allow it to exist in you. As you find safe spaces to share your experiences, like my free support group, you may find that speaking about the grief you feel offers you healing and growth, as you work your way toward peace.